On the day that Crazy Tony
Shaved off all his hair
He swore he would get a tattoo
So we drove downtown in dad's company car
Parked at the parlor near the Philly Zoo
He asked the man for a life-size AC outlet
Tattooed on the back of his head
But the power went down
Just as he picked up his needle
We spent the money on drugs instead

Hey Mister Twister, what you got for sale
Where's the stuff you sold my sister
When she last jumped bail
She was high on speed and Hawaiian sinse
We had to peel her off the back
Of the backstop fence
Just as she was on the verge of
Losing it completely
She came down to us and whispered sweetly

She whispered,
"mm stad, stada, mm stad stada, stad"

He sold us sixteen doses, pictures of the King
Went tripping by the riverside
We were underneath the bridge
Launching Roman candles
From a bottle of Banker's Club Rye
But then greasy Tony got busted
He was half-baked and thoroughly stoned

Took off all his clothes
Except his socks and his sneakers
Screamin' at the top of his lungs
And for a minute, I thought he couldn't make it
Then the car stopped up on the bridge
Sayin' isn't it a pity, but that's what happens
When you take too many drugs
At such a tender age
He was all strung out on Dexatrim and doses
And he walked into the water like Holy Moses

We're singing, "Holy Moses, Holy Moses yeah"

"So dang me dang me,
Take a rope and hang me"
If I go back to that one horse town
Can't you see how much I promised
On the second hand news
If I lose I can't face the deflation
I'm living on credit
Trading on lies
And walking in the boots of persuasi